I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

How do you make a 'one' disappear? You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!

Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"